A Lighthearted Exploration of Everyday Zed Quirks
Ah, Zambia! A land of breathtaking waterfalls, vibrant cultures, and, let’s face it, some downright hilarious habits that instantly expose us. Whether you're lounging in Lusaka, vibing in Kitwe, or missing home from the diaspora, these quirks scream “I’m Zambian” louder than a minibus conductor calling out for passengers to "Kulima Tower!"
Here’s a playful take on the ultimate Zambian identity test:
1. "I'm coming" … while going the opposite direction.
When a Zambian says, “I’m coming,” don’t expect them to actually arrive. It’s code for “I’m leaving, but I don’t want you to feel bad.” And oh, the poetry of “Wait, first I bath, I’m coming,” which loosely translates to “See you in three hours.”
2. BCG Vaccine Scar = Badge of Honor
You know you’re a true Zambian when that tiny scar on your upper arm isn’t just a vaccine mark—it’s a rite of passage. If you don’t have one, your aunties will ask suspiciously, “Eh, you sure you were vaccinated?”
3. Colgate, Surf, and Saladi… The Trifecta of Brand Monopolies
Every toothpaste is Colgate🪥. Every washing powder is Surf. And don’t even try convincing us that not all cooking oil is called “Saladi.” These names are embedded in our DNA—changing them is borderline betrayal.
4. "Have you eaten?" ≠ What You Think It Means
Zambian meals revolve around nshima, so the answer to “Have you eaten?” is “No” unless you’ve had nshima—even if you’ve just devoured an entire buffet. Rice and chicken=Snack. Nshima=Meal🍽️🥘.
5. "How Much Is This?" Followed by "How Much Do You Have?"
Negotiation is a sport in Zambia. Market vendors are mind readers. Ask for a price, and they’ll counter with, “How much do you have?” A beautiful dance ensues, involving dramatic sighs and “Ah, sister, okay just add five kwacha.”
6. Zesco’s Glorious Comebacks
“Did power come back today?” A Zambian household isn’t complete without this question. Bonus points if you’ve mastered the art of shouting, “ZESCOOOO!” every time the lights flicker on.
7. The Door Knock Dilemma
Who’s there?
“It’s me!”
Classic. Zambians rely on vibes, not introductions. Your confused neighbor? Irrelevant. It’s you who needs to recognize them.
8. Ka-ma and Chi-ka Linguistics
Everything gets a prefix. A small thing? "Ka-ma." Something big? "Chi-ka." Pair this with “Last futi,” “Crisips,” and “Mamamamamaah!” for extra flair.
9. Plastic Bags in Plastic Bags
If your kitchen doesn’t have a big plastic bag filled with smaller ones, are you even Zambian? These multipurpose treasures can store food, shoes, or even act as an impromptu lunchbox for nshima.
10. "I’m by your gate." (5km away)
Zambians love punctuality—just not practicing it. When someone says they’ve reached, expect them in an hour. Or two. “Now now” could mean anything from immediately to next week.
11. Diaspora Life: "Please Call Me Back" Experts
Living abroad? You’ve probably left a missed call for someone to “flash” back, saving that precious talktime. The missed call is a love language. And speaking of talktime, loading airtime via scratch cards will forever remain iconic.
12. National Anthem Remix
In school assemblies across the land, kids sing “vistas in the struggle” with utmost conviction. What’s “vistas”? Even we don’t know, but it sounds patriotic.
13. The "Fuseki" Dog Defense
Approaching stray dogs know to retreat when they hear the legendary “Fuseki! Fusek!”—a Zambian trademark for asserting dominance over unruly animals.
14. A Phone Greeting That Slaps
Answering the phone with a cheerful “Yes please” isn’t just polite—it’s cultural. You can be mid-chaos, but that greeting must be flawless.
15. The Ultimate Goodbye: "Ahh, You Also!"
You didn’t think we’d leave without shouting out the iconic “Ahh, you also!” or its cousin, “Ati how?” These phrases can mean anything, everything, and nothing all at once.
Zambia 🇿🇲, we love you ❤️—unique 😊, hilarious 🤣, and a little bit chaotic 🤪. If you’re laughing right now, just know: you passed the test.
One Zambia, One Nation!